Why we don’t barbecue.
What’s that? You want me to take all of the meat that I have so carefully shopped for, dragged home, and stored at a temperature guaranteed NOT to make us sick and haul it outside so that it can be cooked over fire. You’re going to get those flames to 10-15′ high over by the pine tree? Let me get the fire department on the horn right now. While you’re at it you might as well make sure that the meat is good and charred. I don’t want you to have gone to all this trouble and then NOT give us a little bout of diarrhea later. Oh, and once the meat is cooked (or at least appears to be cooked on the outside) please leave it aside of the grill uncovered so that the flies have somewhere to deposit their eggs. And don’t bother with a clean plate. Just go ahead and put that kinda cooked chicken back on the plate you brought the raw chicken out on, just shake off the salmonella juice. We’ll be in the bathroom later as a result of the charring anyway.