Enjoy Your Medium Burger!

Guess what? 

You can have your burger cooked any way you want it when you cook it at home. If you order it in my restaurant you can have it cooked, at a minimum, to medium, which is 160 degrees Fahrenheit. This information is printed in bold and italics, for emphasis, on the menu you appeared to be reading just seconds ago. Perhaps your reading skills need some remedial attention. Let me get my sister on the horn; she does that sort of thing with 11-year-olds all day. Maybe she’s got a desk for you.

Go ahead. Ask me why. Unless you’ve been in a coma, perhaps as a result of eating raw or undercooked ground beef, you know why. For those of you who have been comatose let me first say, “Welcome Back!” Allow me bring you up to speed on the whole ground beef thing.

Attaining the above-referenced internal temperature kills E. coli, which is bacterium that seem particularly fond of living in meat grinders. Maybe they’re like bacteria condos or something. I don’t know. Do I look like a microbiologist? 

E. coli is the A-list bacteria, the Brangelina of bacteria, if you will. E. coli gets a lot of ink. There are more than a hundred other Kathy Griffinesque or D-list bacterium like, for example, Clostridium perfringens. I’m guessing you won’t care what “list” the bacteria that found its way into your intestines belongs on. You’ll be too busy in the bathroom, if you know what I mean. Hopefully the dehydration that you will undoubtedly suffer from the vomiting and diarrhea that is your body’s natural defense against invasions by such bacteria will not land you in the hospital.  Or not. I don’t really care. I just like saying E. coli to customers. I like the clearly uncomfortable reaction that accompanies the mere mention of these microscopic organisms in a restaurant environment. 

I can see that you’re the type of person who is undeterred by discussions of the common causes of food borne illnesses. Good for you! It still doesn’t matter how much you sigh, shake your head, roll your eyes, or whatever other way you choose to indicate your displeasure, we still will not make you a burger that does not reach the proper internal temperature. A temperature, by the way, that the team of hardworking USDA scientists didn’t just randomly choose after one too many Proseccos at their annual Louis Pasteur Day (12/27) gala. My guess is that there were petri dishes and agar involved. How else would science geeks do shots of Prosecco?

I understand that you wish the “damn Democrats” would stay out of your dinner. I wish that you would stop droning on about things that are unrelated to whether or not you would like fries with your still-going-to-be-cooked-medium-no-matter-how-long-this-pointless-conversation-takes burger. Do I seem like the type of person who would enter into a political conversation with someone who appears unable to grasp a concept as basic as temperature? Do you even know to come in out of the cold?

Yes. I certainly am capable of asking the cook to make you a rare burger, but I’m not going to. Because it might finally get you to place your order I will tell you that I’ll speak to him. I’ll be sure and let him know that I have a very “special” customer who is making the request. After I check the parking lot for the little yellow bus that you, no doubt, rode in on. Because I have other things to do, I will assure you that I will have some communication with the minimum wage earning line cook who can surely afford to lose his job because the rules don’t apply to you. I won’t.  Mainly because, unlike you, I don’t find that engaging in exercises in futility is an effective use of my time. I learned this pretty early on, actually. Are you still trying to fit those square pegs into the round holes? Do you think that they just sent you on to the first grade because you were outgrowing the tables in the kindergarten room? Should I, in fact, see if my sister has some desk space available for you?

Where do you work? I have the day off tomorrow. Can I come there and ask you a series of idiotic questions while you are trying to do several other things? Can I, please? Because wasting your time just seems like it would be an excellent use of my time!

2 thoughts on “Enjoy Your Medium Burger!

  1. I love your customers!!! Without them I wouldn’t get these great stories!!


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