Ask Me Anything


I have a coworker who is constantly asking me questions. It’s as if she doesn’t have parents or access to Google. (She does.)

Mostly she texts me these questions at very strange hours of the day and night. I suspect she drinks. (Actually, I know she drinks.) If I had one of those phones that allowed me to upload the texts I would share them with you that way. I don’t think I do. It’s possible that I do and I just don’t know how to use it. Yeah. That sounds like me.

In the absence of this technology and/ or my inability to use it, I have decided to go all “old school” on yo asses by paraphrasing some of her more outlandish queries from last week. This should give you some idea of what I’m up against. (It may also go a long way toward explaining the limited amount of housework that gets accomplished up in this joint.)

In a half-hearted attempt to discourage her behavior, I have adopted a “fight fire with fire” approach with my responses. For every wacky question she throws my way, I try to craft an equally wacky response. It amuses me. I hope that you, too, will find our exchanges amusing.

Keep in mind that these are, more or less, our “Greatest Hits”. Sometimes she sends me five or six questions a day. And my husband wonders why I can’t manage to do the dishes.

Baby, It’s (getting) Cold Outside!

How much should I pay for a winter coat? (I received this text at 3:14 AM EST… this is the type of thing that keeps her up nights. Or, perhaps, she was just doing some on-line shopping. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I didn’t ask.)

Well, that depends on what it’s made of. Chinchilla or mink, for example… they can get a little pricey, like in the thousands. Are we talking basic parka here? I got one for Fangette, a Northface (last year’s color, I think) for $75. Woo fucking hoo! Fangette is smaller than you, though, so I was able to buy her a child size XL, so you may not get the same deal. I once got a Calvin Klein cashmere blend dress coat for $300 at Loehmann’s. Of course, Loehmann’s has been closed for years now, so you’ll have no luck there. LOL! Anyway, I thought that was a bargain. I think I’ve only worn it the one time, but it looked smashing and I received a lot of compliments on it. It’s in my closet in one of those fancy bags filled with cedar chips. I should take it out for a spin, now that I am thinking about it. Or, maybe I’ll just take it out and run my hands down it. It’s that awesome. Really. Maybe I’ll just wear it to work for the hell of it, ya know, just so you can admire it. It’s a classic, I’ll tell you that. Does that answer your question?

The Trouble with Nesquick!

How can I sign up for dental insurance? I think I chipped a tooth opening my chocolate milk.

First things first. You text me/call me for everything else, why didn’t you consult me prior to using your teeth to open your chocolate milk? I’m going to assume it was the seal on the top of the Nesquick that gave you some trouble. If this problem continues to arise, I would suggest cutting around the foil with a steak knife (steal one from work if you don’t have one at home). You could also try using a tweezer to pull up the little tab thingie. As a last ditch effort, you could puncture the top with a screwdriver or a corkscrew. (I’m confident that you own a corkscrew!)

As far as the insurance goes, you have to wait until the open enrollment period at work. I think it’s in January. But there’s a catch. You cannot seek treatment for a “pre-existing” condition for at least a year after you sign up for the insurance. Your chipped tooth would fall into that category. Because this condition will have preceded (come before) your being eligible (signing up) for the dental benefits. Also, a chipped tooth may be considered “cosmetic” (meaning it has no bearing on your overall dental health). If it is considered “cosmetic”, it will not be covered at all. If it is sensitive to hot/cold, etc. then it may be covered. Which tooth is it, by the way?

I’m not even sure it’s chipped. Thanks for the info.

Haven’t you looked in the mirror? Or felt it with your tongue? How do you not know if your tooth is chipped? Are you high?

It just feels weird.

Alrighty then.

It’s a Search Engine, Not a Mind Reader!

How old do you have to be to get that wart shot?

By “that wart shot” I am assuming that you mean Gardasil. I’m not sure what the minimum age requirement is (I think it’s down to 12 now), but the maximum age is somewhere around 22, I think. But I have to tell you that it is most efficacious (works best) for women who have no sexual history. As you have been regaling me with stories of your sexual prowess for years now, I know that you do not meet this criteria (requirement). If you recall, I suggested, no, I strongly recommended, that you get this shot years ago. I am going to assume that you did not listen to my sage advice. Slutty girls, such as yourself, are at the highest risk for contracting that warty thing. Why don’t you go ahead and Google it, as I know that things have changed regarding this immunization. Maybe take a “better late than never” approach.

I tried googling it, but nothing came up.

Try again. Use Gardasil in the search, not “wart shot”. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that was why nothing came up. I’m curious. Did anything come up when you put in “wart shot”? Might be interesting. When I get home I’m going to google “wart shot”, ya know, just for my own amusement.

Booty Call!

Your butt always looks good in your work jeans. Nice and tight. Where do you buy your jeans?

First of all, thank you. No, really, thank you. My tight butt is not a result of the jeans that I choose to wear. Partly, it’s genetic. Partly, it’s a result of years of hauling my ass around restaurants. You may want to try clenching and moving faster. Who needs a gym? Not me!

I get my “Mom” jeans at Kohl’s. I think they are flattering because they sit at my waist, not below my hips. I’m not sure if you (and some of your peers) realize this, but the “plumber’s crack” and the hint of thong may, in fact, decrease your tips. Most people do not want to see their waitress’ panties. Don’t tell me that no one can see them. I couldn’t be less interested in your nether region, but I do recall that yesterday your ridiculous excuse for underwear were fuchsia-colored and lacy.

The Morning After!

I am ridiculously hung over and I have to open this morning. What should I do?

First of all, you are not opening. I am. Check your drunk texts from last night. I think I agreed to save your ass (once again) at about 2:24 AM. You do, however, have to work my shift at noon. You only bought yourself an hour, sister. If I were you, I would try to cover it. A word to the wise, though: don’t send out a blast telling others that you can’t get your ass to work at noon because you are hung over. They may not be as sympathetic to your plight as I am. They may, in fact, want to punish you for your irresponsible behavior.

On that note, you are fast becoming, what we call in the business (of life, not the restaurant business) a “hot mess”. Get your shit together, party girl. I’m not telling you what to do or anything (yes, I am), but I would strongly urge you not to stay out til all hours when you have to work in the morning. Also, most jobs start well before 10:45 AM. Being unable to get to work by mid-morning or noon is a little ridiculous. I hope no one agrees to work for you and you have to suffer all day. Love, ya! Cheers!

P.S. I know a thing or three about hangovers. Take a pain reliever and chase it with a glass of milk. In my experience, milk helps with a hangover. But don’t open it with your teeth. We both know how that will end.

photocredit: jeddaniels.com

36 thoughts on “Ask Me Anything

  1. javaj240 says:

    Oh, she likes me alright. No one else puts up with her shit like I do. She annoys them, bu amuses me.

    That’s funny about your office romances….I am assuming these were back in your drinking days. Ah, poor judgement, how I don’t miss you at all! Of course, when I make poor decisions these days, I have to “own” them.

    I just discovered your blog, but I am looking forward to making my way through it!

    I don’t write a whole lot about recovery, but ths woman does… In the most hilarious way ever…check her out: http://illbeoutinaminute.com/a-bit-about-me/

    Like

  2. I think she likes you. Better be careful. Don’t want to lead her on too much. Office romances can get pretty awkward. I’ve had two. I don’t work at either office anymore. 😉
    BTW, thanks for following my blog http://portraitsofaddiction.com

    Like

  3. C’mon, let’s see your butt. We all want to!

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  4. javaj240 says:

    LOL… I’ll have to frame this comment. Because I am not exactly known for my patience. Thanks!

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  5. You are a very patient, lovely person. It’s great that you can laugh about it. Glad it’s not me, because I would have been somewhat spikier after the first few texts!

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  6. javaj240 says:

    I’ve got them stockpiled!

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  7. CubicleViews says:

    Wow, this just cracked me up. I likely would’ve lost it long ago. Keep these coming!

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  8. I have a friend (kind-of a friend) who texts me randomness all the time, too. I immediately thought of her when I was reading your post. The latest was, “I just finished working on 30 spreadsheets and closed down Firehouse (a local bar/grill). I am exhausted.” I looked at the text, wondered why in the heck she sent the text, and just didn’t text her back. I love your responses – I think maybe I need to try and send her some random texts once in a while so she will see how it is! 🙂

    Like

  9. anewfreelife says:

    I am reading through your blogs and laughing so hard! You crack me up!!!

    Like

  10. javaj240 says:

    You’re welcome.

    I would never block her number, for the very reason you mentioned— free entertainment. It’s hard to come by, LOL!

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  11. wedelmom says:

    Oh my word – wart shot? I actually spit coffee. Love your responses. I’d have blocked her number by now. Well maybe not. There is something to be said for unsolicited entertainment.
    Thanks for making my lunch hour funnier!

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  12. valleygirl96 says:

    Was the butt comment sexual harrassment? I feel like maybe it was a little bit, especially after the question about “the wart shot.”

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  13. Man why can’t we work together? I’ve been nursing a chipped tooth over here for hours. Oh wait, that’s just a poppy seed from my muffin…

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  14. javaj240 says:

    She is challenging. Her craziness used to annoy me, but now I have embraced it. Because you just cannot make this stuff up. That’s the best part of blogging, for me, being able to bring you all into my crazy ass world.

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  15. You are a riot. And your coworker’s texts, hilariously challenged. Keep them coming for sure. Thanks for the morning laugh!

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  16. javaj240 says:

    Most folks just don’t notice my butt because they are too busy looking at the DD’s. The tatas are really my best feature, but she has a butt thing. She really does. She’s always commenting on people’s butts. I think she appreciates mine because, as she likes to say, “it’s a good butt for an old lady.” Yup. She’s a keeper.

    I may have to make these question and answer sessions a regular feature. She never disappoints. She sent me a real doozy this morning at 6 AM. It had to do with chicken.

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  17. Rick says:

    You should keep us up to date on the questioning. By the way, I’ve seen plenty of people in your line of work who don’t have tight asses. Congratulations on having an impressive one.

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  18. God, now I want to see your butt. 😉

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    • javaj240 says:

      You would. LOL!

      My DD’s are my best feature, though. My butt is disappointing after you’ve seen the tatas. But, all in all, it’s not a bad butt.

      Like

  19. So funny! I love that you called it your “Greatest Hits.” Please invest in a phone that allows uploads! I can’t believe stupidity like this really exists unless I have proof!!! LOL!!!

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      I have, obviously, cleaned up the writing. I abbreviate when I text. A lot. Also, once I turn the caps on, I can’t turn them off. So, even if I had the uploady thingie I probably wouldn’t have used it. Also, these texts are very long, so I don’t know how that would translate on an upload. I just go on and on and on sometimes. Ya know, for kicks.

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  20. peachyteachy says:

    Wow. “Wart shot.” It takes some talent to come up with something that even Google does not acknowledge.

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      Google it. See what comes up. I was surprised anything came up. But something did. Quite a few things, actually. But nothing about Gardasil. No surprise there.

      Like

  21. I’m baffled by the chocolate milk tooth chipping incident.

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  22. Ad-libb3d says:

    This is brilliant. I laughed out loud, then I totally googled “wart shot.” The second hit was “Man uses shotgun to blast off painful wart,” so I got extra chortles thanks to this visit. Bonus.

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      I, too, googled “wart shot” and saw the second entry. I was going to add a link, but felt that the post was long enough.. LOL. I wouldn’t even mention that story to my coworker… might give her an idea. She would be the person who would shoot off her vagina.

      Like

  23. Lol..your replies crack me up,Lol,plus the fact she’s oblivious to the way she is and the way you are calling her on it.I’d send you random texts too just to see what you sent back LOL

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      Oblivious is the word I use to describe her all the time. She takes my texts seriously. I swear to God. She’s a card. An oblivious card.

      Like

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