Ask Me Anything

I have a coworker who is constantly asking me questions. It’s as if she doesn’t have parents or access to Google. (She does.)

Mostly she texts me these questions at very strange hours of the day and night. I suspect she drinks. (Actually, I know she drinks.) If I had one of those phones that allowed me to upload the texts I would share them with you that way. I don’t think I do. It’s possible that I do and I just don’t know how to use it. Yeah. That sounds like me.

In the absence of this technology and/ or my inability to use it, I have decided to go all “old school” on yo asses by paraphrasing some of her more outlandish queries from last week. This should give you some idea of what I’m up against. (It may also go a long way toward explaining the limited amount of housework that gets accomplished up in this joint.)

In a half-hearted attempt to discourage her behavior, I have adopted a “fight fire with fire” approach with my responses. For every wacky question she throws my way, I try to craft an equally wacky response. It amuses me. I hope that you, too, will find our exchanges amusing.

Keep in mind that these are, more or less, our “Greatest Hits”. Sometimes she sends me five or six questions a day. And my husband wonders why I can’t manage to do the dishes.

Baby, It’s (getting) Cold Outside!

How much should I pay for a winter coat? (I received this text at 3:14 AM EST… this is the type of thing that keeps her up nights. Or, perhaps, she was just doing some on-line shopping. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I didn’t ask.)

Well, that depends on what it’s made of. Chinchilla or mink, for example… they can get a little pricey, like in the thousands. Are we talking basic parka here? I got one for Fangette, a Northface (last year’s color, I think) for $75. Woo fucking hoo! Fangette is smaller than you, though, so I was able to buy her a child size XL, so you may not get the same deal. I once got a Calvin Klein cashmere blend dress coat for $300 at Loehmann’s. Of course, Loehmann’s has been closed for years now, so you’ll have no luck there. LOL! Anyway, I thought that was a bargain. I think I’ve only worn it the one time, but it looked smashing and I received a lot of compliments on it. It’s in my closet in one of those fancy bags filled with cedar chips. I should take it out for a spin, now that I am thinking about it. Or, maybe I’ll just take it out and run my hands down it. It’s that awesome. Really. Maybe I’ll just wear it to work for the hell of it, ya know, just so you can admire it. It’s a classic, I’ll tell you that. Does that answer your question?

The Trouble with Nesquick!

How can I sign up for dental insurance? I think I chipped a tooth opening my chocolate milk.

First things first. You text me/call me for everything else, why didn’t you consult me prior to using your teeth to open your chocolate milk? I’m going to assume it was the seal on the top of the Nesquick that gave you some trouble. If this problem continues to arise, I would suggest cutting around the foil with a steak knife (steal one from work if you don’t have one at home). You could also try using a tweezer to pull up the little tab thingie. As a last ditch effort, you could puncture the top with a screwdriver or a corkscrew. (I’m confident that you own a corkscrew!)

As far as the insurance goes, you have to wait until the open enrollment period at work. I think it’s in January. But there’s a catch. You cannot seek treatment for a “pre-existing” condition for at least a year after you sign up for the insurance. Your chipped tooth would fall into that category. Because this condition will have preceded (come before) your being eligible (signing up) for the dental benefits. Also, a chipped tooth may be considered “cosmetic” (meaning it has no bearing on your overall dental health). If it is considered “cosmetic”, it will not be covered at all. If it is sensitive to hot/cold, etc. then it may be covered. Which tooth is it, by the way?

I’m not even sure it’s chipped. Thanks for the info.

Haven’t you looked in the mirror? Or felt it with your tongue? How do you not know if your tooth is chipped? Are you high?

It just feels weird.

Alrighty then.

It’s a Search Engine, Not a Mind Reader!

How old do you have to be to get that wart shot?

By “that wart shot” I am assuming that you mean Gardasil. I’m not sure what the minimum age requirement is (I think it’s down to 12 now), but the maximum age is somewhere around 22, I think. But I have to tell you that it is most efficacious (works best) for women who have no sexual history. As you have been regaling me with stories of your sexual prowess for years now, I know that you do not meet this criteria (requirement). If you recall, I suggested, no, I strongly recommended, that you get this shot years ago. I am going to assume that you did not listen to my sage advice. Slutty girls, such as yourself, are at the highest risk for contracting that warty thing. Why don’t you go ahead and Google it, as I know that things have changed regarding this immunization. Maybe take a “better late than never” approach.

I tried googling it, but nothing came up.

Try again. Use Gardasil in the search, not “wart shot”. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that was why nothing came up. I’m curious. Did anything come up when you put in “wart shot”? Might be interesting. When I get home I’m going to google “wart shot”, ya know, just for my own amusement.

Booty Call!

Your butt always looks good in your work jeans. Nice and tight. Where do you buy your jeans?

First of all, thank you. No, really, thank you. My tight butt is not a result of the jeans that I choose to wear. Partly, it’s genetic. Partly, it’s a result of years of hauling my ass around restaurants. You may want to try clenching and moving faster. Who needs a gym? Not me!

I get my “Mom” jeans at Kohl’s. I think they are flattering because they sit at my waist, not below my hips. I’m not sure if you (and some of your peers) realize this, but the “plumber’s crack” and the hint of thong may, in fact, decrease your tips. Most people do not want to see their waitress’ panties. Don’t tell me that no one can see them. I couldn’t be less interested in your nether region, but I do recall that yesterday your ridiculous excuse for underwear were fuchsia-colored and lacy.

The Morning After!

I am ridiculously hung over and I have to open this morning. What should I do?

First of all, you are not opening. I am. Check your drunk texts from last night. I think I agreed to save your ass (once again) at about 2:24 AM. You do, however, have to work my shift at noon. You only bought yourself an hour, sister. If I were you, I would try to cover it. A word to the wise, though: don’t send out a blast telling others that you can’t get your ass to work at noon because you are hung over. They may not be as sympathetic to your plight as I am. They may, in fact, want to punish you for your irresponsible behavior.

On that note, you are fast becoming, what we call in the business (of life, not the restaurant business) a “hot mess”. Get your shit together, party girl. I’m not telling you what to do or anything (yes, I am), but I would strongly urge you not to stay out til all hours when you have to work in the morning. Also, most jobs start well before 10:45 AM. Being unable to get to work by mid-morning or noon is a little ridiculous. I hope no one agrees to work for you and you have to suffer all day. Love, ya! Cheers!

P.S. I know a thing or three about hangovers. Take a pain reliever and chase it with a glass of milk. In my experience, milk helps with a hangover. But don’t open it with your teeth. We both know how that will end.

photocredit: jeddaniels.com