My friend from the blogosphere over at Fat Lies and Fairytales, kindly bestowed upon me this, the highest honor for the follow-challenged blogger, The Liebster Award. I love each and every one of my 134 followers! (I remember when I only had the one— Ross from Restaurant Bastards. Thank you, Ross!) It’s an odd feeling having
minions followers. If I could just figure out some way to get you all to physically follow me around all day “liking” the funny things I say, well, that would just be weird awesome.
Truthfully, it might also be a little cumbersome. Just a suggestion: You could do it in shifts! Maybe four at a time? Two of you could actually follow me (You two, you lucky, lucky two!) One of you could help me perform some of the more mundane tasks (like laundry, picking up after Fangette, and going to the grocery store) that keep me from doing those things that are necessary to increase my readership. Number four would be charged with keeping me off of Facebook where I play far too many games, which distract me from crafting the perfect post on a daily basis.
I’m not sure how to work all of this out exactly, but I’m sure one of you smart people can come up with an organizing principle. I’ll bet you’re at work on it right now! You know, I always say nice things about you folks. Primarily, I brag about your intrepid spirits! So, make me proud, intrepid followers!
For now, I’d like you to take a break and learn a little more about me. Eleven things, to be exact.
1. I am (I swear on my cat’s life!) a fairly serious person. I am nowhere near as funny in person, but that’s because I really don’t try to be. People who know and like me would probably describe me as “edgy”, rather than funny; people who know me and don’t like me would surely work the word “bitch” into the description— whatevs, I’m sure I don’t like them either. So, if we were to actually meet, you’d probably wonder why I had sent my evil twin to join you for coffee. No doubt you’d be disappointed in the “real thing”.
2. Sometimes I do actually worry that there may be two of me (sadly, neither of us likes to clean). At work (I refuse to call a waitressing job “my professional life”), I am capable, organized, and, well, professional. At home, I am a steaming hot disorganized mess incapable of creating even the most rudimentary semblance of order in my hovel. It’s a serious problem that is, quite frankly, beginning to depress me.
3. I have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past, but instead of allowing treatment of such by trained medical/mental health professionals, I decided to do my own thing. Hence an almost 25-year love/hate on-again/off-again relationship with wine, beer, and spirits. So, I really do need to get rid of the crap (or at least the newspapers and the outdated/oversized clothing) that is cluttering up my life. (Well, mostly my bedroom!) Because the depression/anxiety thing leads me down ALL the wrong roads. If I don’t purge, I could take up laudanum. (Not to worry. I’ll find the modern-day equivalent!)
4. I get embarrassed for other people when they get caught out by their crazy. Often they are people I don’t now and, realistically, will never meet. They include: Joaquin Phoenix, Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan, Snookie (and all of her cohorts who, I thank God every day, are not actually from New Jersey), Michael Richards, Ellen Degeneres (just that one time when she had a crying jag on national television about a puppy or something), Anne Heche, Courtney Love, George Michael, Amy Winehouse, Hugh Grant, Andy Dick, Pee Wee Herman, Eddie Murphy, and, of course, that lady around the block who can occasionally be seen sporting tin-foil antennae. I am so happy that Robert Downey, Jr. got his act together because he was giving me a nervous breakdown.
5. No matter what I see in the mirror, I always envision my 26-year-old self, which might explain why I begin every day disappointed and dejected. (Yet another reason to embrace Materspringa. The Amish have no mirrors!)
6. I still miss “Seventh Heaven”.
7. I love the song “Puff the Magic Dragon”, so much so that I created a piece of artwork featuring a really cool dragon and superimposed the lyrics (in a calligraphic font, of course) over it. I even taught myself Photoshop just to create this masterpiece. I framed it, but never hung it because both Fang and Fangette (who was 8 at the time— so, I should have been prepared for her teenage insouciance) thought it was lame and childish. I had to abandon my grandiose plans for similar paeans to “Defying Gravity” and “For Everyman”. (Admittedly an odd triptych.) Their rejection of my “art” still smarts.
8. I used to practice my Academy Award acceptance speech in the bathroom mirror. This is probably not that unusual, but I’ll bet most people stop engaging in this practice at around 12 years of age. I gave it up at 39 when I replaced it with my Nobel Prize for Literature speech.
9. I haven’t finished a book since I started blogging in earnest. It troubles me. I have set a goal of next Wednesday for finishing “1831”.
10. I don’t eat cold cereal. Because the only cold cereal I like is Frosted Flakes with bananas and whole milk. If I’m not saving calories, I may as well just have Taylor ham and cheese on a hard roll. (With ketchup!)
11. If I could get away with it I would live in sweatpants, white men’s v-necks, and cashmere socks. (A girls gotta have some flair!) One word: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Now comes the hardest part of these awards, paying it forward. Choosing eleven of you to tell me eleven things about you! The rule for this award is that I am supposed to nominate folks who have less than 200 followers. As I have no idea how to determine that, please don’t be insulted if I nominate you and it turns out you have 5,000 followers.
You should also know that my philosophy regarding these awards is this: Participation is entirely up to you. I won’t be insulted if you choose not to play. By nominating you, I get to share you with those with whom I have shared myself. My hope is that you, too, will be taken in by those who have embraced and encouraged me— thus expanding the circle of love and support ever wider. Rock on!
The Flannel Files She’s a Mom, a lesbian, and, apparently, has a thing for flannel. What she mostly is, though, is funny.
Ad-libb3d I just love this guy. He’s always clever, often irreverent, and always seems to say what I’m thinking, which is disconcerting at times because he is, well, a he. And he’s Canadian.
Weird Stuff Happens to Me Another Canadian Dad, but he rants like an American. (For added fun he also throws stuff— off the deck— big stuff— like light fixtures!) He’s a hoot!
Todd Pack’s Messy Desk Todd Pack might have a messy desk, but his mind is anything but. He doesn’t post a lot, but when he does, he’s wicked funny.
A New Free Life Leaving behind a lifetime of physical and mental abuse and starting fresh— awe-inspiring! I mean it. She writes from the heart. She writes well. She will make you laugh while you’re crying. You’ll root for her. I promise.
Looking for the Sweet Spot She ambles and rambles a bit, too. In a funny “that could be me” kind of way.
Rant and Roll All Night Etheldean is who I can only hope Fangette grows up to be. Self-deprecating, exuberant, uproariously funny, and seriously sweet. I love this kid. You will, too.
Creative Liar She lies. Creatively. And hilariously. She is offbeat and sensitive. Her demons live with her, but instead of exorcising them, she channels them. And she looks great in a sombrero. How many of us can say that?
peachy teachy She regales us with stories of being on the front lines in an urban school district. Funny and often touching. You’ll never look at your kid’s teacher the same way again.
Excitement on the Side Whenever possible she works in a photo of herself as a child dressed as a steak (a musical about the food pyramid?). That’s really all you need to know. But, there’s more. Lots, lots more.
So I Went Undercover I just stumbled upon this gem, so I’m still discovering her myself. So far, I love what I’m reading. She’s outspoken and honest about the perils of modern parenting.