Intervention: Senior Citizen Edition

My mother may need an intervention. A reality TV intervention. After reviewing the events of yesterday and discussing several of my mother’s allusions to prominent reality television personalities, Fangette and I have decided that Grandma may, in fact, have a serious addiction to shows like “Ice Loves Coco”, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, and, most frighteningly, something called “Doomsday Preppers”.

I think that my mother’s problem began innocently enough. First it was “Dancing With the Stars”, “American Idol”, “So, You Think You Can Dance?”, and other “competition” programming. Early in their runs she would call me with periodic updates about the competitors. I should have become suspicious when she told me that she was only watching “DWT” because she “had heard” that Donny Osmond was doing a bang-up job. And that “Sanjaya”? Who could have expected he would still be around so late in the contest? She once called me crying after an episode of “So, You Think You Can Dance?” to describe that she had just witnessed the “most beautiful” modern dance; choreographed, I was told, to symbolize someone’s mother’s battle with breast cancer. It’s as if she were channeling Jerome Robbins or Martha Graham. She became enamored of and really seemed to enjoy David Hasselhoff’s shenanigans on “The X-Factor”. I probably should have become concerned when she began referring to him as “The Hoff”. Who knew the modern-day equivalent of the 1970’s variety shows (she loved her some “Sonny and Cher” back in the day) were something of a gateway drug for dear old Mom?

All the warning signs that my mother was crossing the line, hittin’ the hard stuff— they were there. The fact that she could not only name, but identify, all eight of John and Kate’s progeny should have sent up a red flag. I admit to being a little worried when she began speaking of “The Girls Next Door” and I realized that she was not referring to actual neighbors, but to the couple of young blondes that were shacking up with Hugh Hefner. Still, I reasoned, where was the harm in a little escapism? How many tea cozies can one retired arthritic woman be expected to knit? How many bingo games could she afford to attend a week? Everyone’s entitled to a little down time, right?

I was unwilling to admit that, maybe, just maybe, my mother had a problem. Until yesterday. Yesterday, prior to sitting down to our Thanksgiving dinner, instead of asking my daughter about school, her job at the movie theater, or her friends, my mother began discussing the type of dogs Ice-T and Coco own. (“Ugly little things”, but Ice loves ’em!)She also wondered aloud if we didn’t all think that Ice might just be too old to be considering parenthood. (“But Coco’s young and she really wants a baby, so, I don’t know, I guess it could happen.”) My mother endorsed Coco’s bid for motherhood. We learned that “she [Coco] may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but she’s a real sweetheart.” My mother also pointed out that they live pretty close to here. For a minute I thought she might be suggesting we pack up the turkey and take a road trip. When I asked her if, in fact, that was where she was going with this information, her response was not (as I think it should have been) “Oh, my God. No! That would be crazy!”); it was, and I quote, “Don’t be silly. Even if we could find the house, I don’t think they’re home. They said something last week about going to California for the holidays.”

The subject of motherhood brought us to a discussion of the Kardashians. My mother has some pretty strong opinions on Kris Jenner’s mothering skills (“not good”). Mom is supportive of Kourtney, though. “Kris’ revelation that she had cheated on their father, well, that sent poor Kourtney into therapy, ya know. It’s no wonder she puts up with that Scott. She doesn’t want to put her children through what she went through as a child. You have to hand it to her. She’s really sticking it out!” As I have very little frame of reference in the world of the Kardashian/Jenners, I found it best to keep my mouth shut. I figured if no one responded, this conversation would just come to its natural end. That’s when my father piped in with: “Your mother is really looking forward to the day that Khloe and Lamar have a baby!” I realized, at that very moment, that my father was, what we like to call in recovery, an “enabler”.

After they left, Fangette and I decided that we may have to stage some sort of intervention. Or, at least cut the cable wire. I only hope that she has not, as she seemed to be threatening (over pumpkin pie, I might add), taken a page out of the “Doomsday Preppers” book and “stocked up on bullets and guns”!

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20 thoughts on “Intervention: Senior Citizen Edition

  1. Your mother is a hoot! My 83-year-old mother recently asked me to fill her in about Honey Boo-Boo and Snooki. She wanted to be sure she was “current.”


    • javaj240 says:

      That is hysterical. I always tell mine that she should pay as much attention to taking her pills as she does to what Ice and Coco are up to. LOL.


  2. wow, that is SO funny, I enjoyed reading this a lot!! I am sometimes guilty of reality shows, but not on a regular basis.


  3. Ad-libb3d says:

    Hilarious post, java! If you figure out how to stage a successful intervention, let me know. My wife and daughters enjoy watching Dance Moms. I need tips on how to cure this reality TV disease…FAST.


  4. javaj240 says:

    That’s great!


  5. Forever 51 says:

    My 80 year old father coined the term ‘pussywagon’ as the limos that bring all the girls to the Bachelor at the beginning of the show. He texted it to me…


  6. javaj240 says:

    OMG. There are two of them! LOL!


  7. buttonw says:

    Holy crap that’s hilarious! I can relate because my Mom is almost as bad. LOL wow, just wow.


  8. javaj240 says:

    I had not heard that particular Gaffiganism… I love Jim Gaffigan!

    My mother did not mention Honey Boo Boo, so there may be hope for her yet.


  9. ethelthedean says:

    Your mom sounds like an absolute hoot! Just imagining her watching a reality tv show featuring Ice-T has me cracking up.

    But seriously though, what the EFF is up with these shows? I don’t have cable (we have to rely on the famously fickle programs availalbe on Netflix) but my friend Sherie tells me all about the stuff avaible and it blows. my. mind. As Jim Gaffigan said: “I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.”


  10. why am I here in a handbasket? says:

    I want to meet your mother. We have a lot to discuss. These Housewives are a hot mess.


  11. This is absolutely a knee slapper!! Quite hysterical! I would love to see your mom do a weekly snippet on Chelsea Lately giving us the updates on the reality shows…heck maybe she could just have her own show if she has that much information!! I adore that she knew about the Girls Next Door! I wonder what Kendra’s been up to? Can you ask your mom for me?


  12. I sympathize, my mother can tell you who all the young stars are dating. She watches the entertainment shows and reads all the magazines. The difference between our mothers is that mine’s a little embarrassed by her lurid obsessions so she doesn’t share them with everyone.


  13. No doubt about it. She needs some professional help, eftsoons and right speedily. ‘The Hoff?’ Oh dearie dearie me


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