Getting to Know (Too Much!) About Your Co-Workers


I wonder? What secrets are these folks harboring?

I wonder? What secrets are these folks harboring?

Ridiculous conversations are fairly common in my life. I have a teenager and a husband, after all. And, of course, I have a job that presents all kinds of opportunities for dialogue of the ridiculous variety. Most of the conversations that I am required to engage in there typically involve customers who can’t navigate a menu, were absent the day — way back in the first grade — when vegetable identification was covered, or suffer from some other variety of stupidity, laziness, or social awkwardness. So, yeah, ridiculous conversations are kind of my specialty.

As a result of the overwhelming amount of time that I must spend engaged in mind-numbing dialogue with the people who ultimately pay my salary, I don’t have much in the way of extra time to spend conversing (or “conversating”, as I’ve heard them call it — feel free to {insert *shudder*} here) with my co-workers much beyond things like, “Are we really out of A-1 Sauce? Management is aware that this is a steak house, correct?” or “Am I mistaken or do we only have eleven soup spoons? I hope we don’t get twelve orders for soup!” — scintillating, I know.

Also, I have very little in common with many of my co-workers. I like them fine, for the most part, and I’d like to keep it that way. You know the old adage, “Familiarity breeds contempt”. The reason it’s hung around so long, that saying, is because it’s true. The less I know about them, the better off I am. They probably feel the same way about me.

There are always any number of conversations, often taking place simultaneously, in restaurant kitchens. Many of them center around the crazy table of the moment. (Yes, lemon whore! We talk about you in the kitchen. Are you surprised?) Some of them involve the trash-talking of an absent co-worker. More often than not, though, this is the place where restaurant workers discuss their personal lives. Where they went last night. Who they “hooked up” with. What a bitch their mother/sister/roommate is. Things of that nature. Restaurant kitchens are also hotbeds of sexual talk. It is usually discussed in broad and general terms, but sometimes the subject becomes specific and personal. There is no better place to get a sexual education than a restaurant kitchen.

Normally I tune out the chit-chat. Because when I am working in the kitchen (expediting and/or food running), my job requires focus and concentration. And, at my age, I figure there’s very little the twenty-somethings can teach me about sex that I don’t already know. I’m also not the type of person that talks about her own sex life with folks who are only slightly older than her own daughter. So, I usually steer clear, tune out the youngsters, and just expend my energy doing my job.

Last night was different, though. It was steady, but not crazy. We were actually fully-staffed. (Hallelujah!) So, I had a little free time. I used it to engage in the frivolities that I generally do not have the time, energy, or the patience for. Probably owing to the fact that I was not running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I found myself in a good mood. So, I threw caution to the wind and entered a few of the conversations that were taking place around me.

Remember up there? In the fourth paragraph? Where I said that I couldn’t learn anything about sex from my young co-workers? Scratch that!

Did you know that there is a sexual “technique” known as a “shocker”. Naively and foolishly I thought it was the same thing as a “hummer”. Boy, was I wrong! I am far too puritanical to describe either of these things to you. A cursory Google search will be of some use, should you need assistance. Suffice it to say, I was pretty shocked at the types of sexual behavior these children engage in. I won’t even get into the fact that something called “tea-bagging” came up in this same conversation. I also discovered that one of my co-workers, a young man that I had some respect for — up until tonight — has NEVER taken his socks off during “the act”. He wouldn’t really elaborate on why this is. (Why he would hold back here, but freely and in great detail, describe his penchant for “tea-bagging”, is a mystery to me!) Freak!

See what I mean about learning too much about people? I will probably never again be able to look him in the eye without imagining him “doing the deed” — with his socks on!

I hope they're these...

I hope they’re these…

... but, I fear they're these!

… but, I fear they’re these!

I discovered that one of my favorite fellow bartenders will not date anyone taller than he is — that he’s not that tall may be the reason he doesn’t have a steady girlfriend — because he likes when “his women” [his words] wear heels both, as it turns out, when they are “out on the town” and “in the bedroom”. He went on to say that he wouldn’t so much mind a woman being taller than him outside of the house, as much as he would mind it where things of a sexual nature were concerned. I couldn’t help myself. I had to ask him if he often had sex standing up. He admitted to not being overly fond of this positioning. Okay, then. So, why would it matter how tall she was IN BED? Would he really notice? He claimed that not only would he be keenly aware of the height differential, but that this awareness could adversely affect his performance. I definitely got the impression that his claim to possible performance anxiety was borne of experience.

I asked him a few other questions, too. There was discussion of tape measures, yard sticks, and the like. He finally became exasperated with me and told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, having been “out of the game”, so to speak, for quite some time. (To what game he was referring, I don’t know. The measuring game? The pump-wearing game? The sex game? How old does he think I am, anyway?) This is when I felt it necessary to remind him of the fact that I have a few inches on the man with whom I have shared my life for nearly thirty years (a fact that he is more than well aware of, by the way) and, thus, can speak from some experience regarding height differences in relationships. My expertise in this area did nothing to dissuade him from his wacky thinking. Freak!

Needless to say, the image of him, measuring device in hand, trepidatiously approaching a half-naked heel-clad girl in his bed, will be forever seared into my brain.

Birthday gift idea!

Birthday gift idea!

Next on last night’s agenda was clothing for dogs. Initially, the realization that we had veered off of topics sexual in nature had me breathing a sigh of relief. As you shall see, the relief was short-lived.

Before I launch into a recap of this crazy-ass dialogue, perhaps I should mention that I may be slightly biased on this subject. Because I think clothing for dogs is stupid. I don’t judge the poor animals, though. It’s not their fault that their owners are idiots.

I understand a woman’s need to accessorize. I really do. I love a new scarf. I am also of the opinion that fifteen bracelets are NOT too many bracelets for one arm, particularly if they make that cool clicky jingly sound. I daresay that I probably speak and use my hands in a far more animated fashion when I am wearing my cool clicky jingly bracelets than when I am bare-armed. But, ladies, your dogs (and your children will fall into this same category) are NOT, I repeat, NOT, accessories. They are living, breathing things. And, I swear to God, I think they know when they are wearing a pink tutu. This is especially true if they are boy dogs. With names like “Butch” or “Killer”.

This dog looks downright humiliated. Am I right?

This dog looks downright humiliated. Am I right?

Not only are dogs not accessories, but they do not need to be accessorized with anything other than a collar and a leash. They do not require garments. Their own coats are all they require by way of an outer layer. I told my co-worker this. Still, she insisted on showing me a photo of her dog in its most recently acquired outfit — a bikini. What does a normal person say when faced with what is clearly the behavior of a deranged individual? What? I just stood there shaking my head — in a most disappointed way. There may also have been some tsking. I don’t remember. The unexpected image of her bikini-clad dog was almost more than I could bear. Freak!

The one possible exception to dressing up your dog!

The one possible exception to dressing up your dog!

I couldn’t stand the heat. So, I had to get out of the kitchen! Right then and there I decided to venture out into the dining room. I was on the lookout for the confused, the genetically-challenged, the insipid, the vapid, and/or the vacant — someone, anyone (other than my co-workers!), to have a conversation with! There was, I’m happy to report, a woman who was having trouble with “calamari”. (Both the concept AND the pronunciation — BONUS!)

photo credits:
restaurant workers
black socks
argyle socks
measuring tape
dog in bikini
bandana dog

16 thoughts on “Getting to Know (Too Much!) About Your Co-Workers

  1. ohlidia says:

    Am I the only one who had to google those terms? I had to google “shocker” twice because the first time around I wondered what a hand gesture had to do with sex… and then I actually read the definition! There’s even an illustration for “tea bagging”! Boy, do I feel out of the loop! And yes, that dog looks totally humiliated!!! Poor little thing! Hilarious writing, as usual! Thanks for making me smile.

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      You are hilarious! I’m sur there are many illustrations for “tea-bagging”! Personally, I wouldn’t want to see any of them. Talk about your “shockers!” LOL!

      Like

  2. valleygirl96 says:

    This is hilarious! What is with people revealing their personal sexual habits to their co-workers anyway. One February 15 one if my co-workers was reporting how her romantic husband greeted her at the door the night before wearing nothing but a heart-shaped paper plate with a hole in it. He was serving up his junk for valentines day. I can no longer eat off of paper plates.

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      I would be really pissed if someone put me off paper plates — I hate doing the dishes! LOL!

      Yeah, I don’t understand the whole “TMI” thing myself, but I’m used to it. I usually just tune out the “noise”. Who has the time?

      Like

  3. Hilarious post AGAIN! Also, I just saw on your side bar you were FP’d AGAIN!!! Okay, this time I am not 4 months late to the party but late none the less! Congratulations! I am not surprised at all….I think most of your posts could be Freshly Pressed! The next time you get FP’d can you just inform…I rarely get on there!

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      I hardly get on there either… my reader is full enough to keep me occupied. The only reason I even knew was because of all the comments —- LOL!

      The next time I could just post something of this nature: “Hello, bitches! Did you see FP today? Yeah. That’s right. I bad!”

      The thing about FP is this: it’s nice. It gets you a bunch of new followers — but most of them don’t really become regular “contributors”, which is fine. Who has time to read everyone? But, there is a bit of a FP “hangover”, in that you go from a zillion views back to your normal 40 — kind of sobering. LOL!

      Like

  4. Wherever I’ve worked, I’m always the one everyone tells stuff to, but I don’t really reveal too much. It works out great that way!

    Like

  5. peachyteachy says:

    My students can probably fill me in. And they’re ten.

    Like

  6. wedelmom says:

    Oh my word – too funny. You know it’s going to take every bit of my self control – and the fear of someone checking my search history – to refrain from Googling those terms.

    Like

  7. As much as I like to keep up to date with pop culture and technology, after 28 years of marriage, I have no idea what any of those sex acts are (actually, I have heard of one of them, but only because it was discussed on an episode of Sex and the City) and I think I’m scared to google them.

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      Yeah… telling people to Google them might have been ill-advised, LOL. I didn’t Google them myself, so I don’t really know what will come up.

      My co-workers are certainly a wealth of information — not all of it useless. HA!

      Like

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