“Javaj240”, Unfiltered!


produce aisleI’m wondering, does anyone else find themselves saying things that are a little out of character as they age? I used to be better at catching myself
BEFORE I actually said what was on my mind. Lately, though, I’ve noticed that some things are avoiding the filter and just slipping out. And they’re not just the odd cuss word, either. Truthfully, I’ve given up on filtering THEM. I’m a Jersey girl. We pepper conversations about hand lotion with salty words.

I’ve also been at a loss to explain where the young urban black woman who has lately taken up residence in my middle-aged, suburban, white body came from? Pop culture, perhaps? Frankly, I kind of like her and hope that she doesn’t go away. She may, however, need a bit of reigning in.

The most inexplicable and shocking example of this occurred not long ago in my “home away from home” — the grocery store, a place where I often feel invisible. This feeling of invisibility is not a result of people ignoring me, per se. It stems from the fact that they simply do not seem to see me. If they want to occupy the space that I’m standing in, or reach for the product that I’m engaged in purchasing, they just go ahead and act as if I’m not there. So, I have concluded, that I must be invisible. Why else would people think that the laws of physics don’t apply in Soup?

On every trip, I am plagued by the feeling that I’m being followed by someone who insists on breaching my space. It’s exasperating. The other day I was dogged by a woman whom I shall call “Mary Frances”. Sometimes I skip an aisle to try to throw folks like Mary Frances off of my scent. This method has its pitfalls, though. Mainly because it doesn’t always work out and we end up together in Paper Products anyway. Usually and inexplicably we both want the store brand paper toweling that’s on the top shelf. (I take some comfort in knowing that my nemesis is as cheap as I am!) It’s unsettling, to say the least, to have a stranger reach up behind you when you are on your tippy-toes attempting to retrieve the imitation Bounty! (Is it a pervert seeing an opportunity to “cop a feel”? “Oh, no. It’s just Mary Frances!” UGH!)

The other problem with employing this method is that I often forget to make a return trip to the aisle that I tactically omitted. As a result, The Fanganini’s wind up brushing their teeth with baking soda and peroxide for a couple of days. All because I knew, when Mary Frances and I went for the same melon in Produce, that if I planned on not losing my shit in Cereal, she must be avoided.

This type of thing would be difficult for the most patient person to deal with. No one would ever accuse me of having an abundance of patience. Try as I might, once in a while, I reach the end of my rope with the likes of Mary Frances.

The other day it happened — I ran out of patience — while I was going for the large jar of Nutella. (Fangette goes through that overpriced stuff like Sherman went through Atlanta — she burns through it!) I don’t even want to get into what the odds would be that Mary Frances and I, purchasers of cheap ass paper towels, were also, oddly enough, stocking up on Nutella, but we were.

It was there, amongst the jams and jellies, that I spun around, did my best Diana Ross, “Stop! In the Name of Love” hand gesture, and said to Mary Frances “Yo! Sistah! You need to back up off of my grill! There’ll be plenty of Nutella fo’ yo’ ass when I’m done gettin’ mine!” I’m pretty sure that, in addition to giving Mary Frances “the hand”, my other hand was on my other hip AND I was making a slight swaying motion as I admonished her. There may have been some finger wagging involved as well. Before Mary Frances could even think “Oh, no. She didn’t!”, I took off like a bat out of hell.

No one, including Mary Frances, could have been more stunned by my outburst than I was. Somehow I had managed to channel Whoopi Goldberg in her Academy Award-winning role as Oda Mae Brown in “Ghost”. I’m just going to blame what must be a faulty filter for my behavior. Because I have absolutely no idea how else to explain how ridiculous I must have looked (and sounded!) to either Mary Frances or the casual onlooker.

Well, okay. I have some idea!

photo credit:
produce aisle (morguefile.com)

41 thoughts on ““Javaj240”, Unfiltered!

  1. Sam Wheat-Hart says:

    You don’t need to post this, but Will L. OUR friend has it sorted. Relax. He’s on our side and a very helpful person and ‘turned’ too. They told me, 555…

    Like

  2. Sam Wheat says:

    Though you may want to wear a stranger’s ring on a chain around your neck. If the stone becomes pale do be careful and get on the next train to that stranger. (this may be a little more serious than you thought, and you will need a bit of training to avoid supermarket lurkers)

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  3. Sam Wheat-Hart says:

    Hi darls, Happy for you that you found out about the Oda Mae impression. Impression(?) The finger thing is good for the bad ones and they will leave you alone on that. Drifting with the good is much more complex and difficult and is much easier when you’re more than 1, don’t know why, that’s how it is and that’s why you got chosen ( sorry losing touch with the romantic here). The only reason and not at all the only reason. x

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  4. Hi babes, nice to know you do that Oda Mae impression— ‘impression'(?) I’m wiv’ya on this one, and that’s a fair start. The finger thing is good for the bad ones, drifting with the good ones requires a lot of skill.

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  5. Vanessa says:

    OMG so effing funny! Seriously, the Ghost reference has been laughing like a loon. I love you Java! Unfiltered and all! x

    Like

  6. ohlidia says:

    Oh! Too funny! You gave me the first giggle of the day. I find that as I get older, I also get more attitude. Attitude with a capital “A”!!

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      I think when we’re younger, we try to be what other people want us to be… as we age, we become more comfortable with who we actually are, which, may or may not be a good thing. LOL!

      Like

      • bernasvibe says:

        Ahhh yes..With maturity & evolvement comes a sense of freedom! I’d not , for all the tea in China, be 20 something ever again..This part is far too AWESOME. And to think I cried all day & night on my 30th birthday…My 50th Bday is very quickly approaching & I’m so excited ..Older is better & far wiser

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  7. Strangely enough, I have witnessed this same behavior with my Mom…urban black lady and all! Even though she’s only 4’10” she thinks she’s about 7′ 300 lbs. and can take anyone on. Also, my husband does this all of the time minus urban black woman…he just uses his towering stature, evil stare and rough voice. I pick and choose my battles and have only gone bat shit crazy on a handful of Walmart employees to the point that I have embarrassed my husband!

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    • javaj240 says:

      It was pretty funny — I think mainly because I didn’t really go “bat shit crazy”, I just kind of did it, ya know. Your mother sounds like my kind of broad.

      Like

  8. Yo bitch. This was baaadass

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    • javaj240 says:

      I know, right? Shocking!

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      • It made me think of something, about how it is to be English. This doesn’t happen in England. Really, it doesn’t. We wait till the other person has got what they want. anyway, I can feel a blogpost coming on, and I’ll make sure there’s a link to this post, because it’s just hilarious.
        😀

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  9. Kate says:

    I needed a good laugh today, and your post filled the bill!
    Just yesterday I was in the grocery store dealing with a male version of Mary Frances. Unfortunately, I was not as clever as you nor as “in your face”. (Maybe cuz I’m not from Jersey?) I merely slunk away as fast as I could. But next time…I may just take a page out of your book and be assertive…hand on hip, finger wagging…lol!

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  10. You are hilarious! Had me laughing like crazy!

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    • javaj240 says:

      Making people laugh always makes me happy! Sharing my foibles, I’ve discovered, tends to have this effect. I do some strange things, LOL!

      Like

  11. You did not say that – no way. Damn that is hilarious! I wonder if they will let you back in the store or if your picture is hanging up on the wall with warning to watch out for this over zealous shopper.
    Btw, I see that you quoted Bruce/Thunder Road on your blog. Awesome. My favorite by far

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  12. I dunno. I think I would have been willing to pay money to see that, actually.

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  13. Smoke roll-ups. like they do in Great-Britain! Invisibility has a problem though, it’s that objects seems to fly out from nowhere and in a way it’s a bit addictive, even to the best of us.

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  14. My Jersean friend James tells me that the more you back-off in New Jersey the more they laugh. You seem to follow your instincts so good for you. I wouldn’t even deal with that. You just say “Sugar, that’s enough”. I’m sure he’ll get it.

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  15. Who was it saying that her pet hate was people that stood in her way in the middle of aisles… Judi Dench. Serious, a lot of people hate it when you pick-out the same shit they do.

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  16. Oh my gosh you make me laugh and live my life. I’m the asshole that says “oh… no.. excuse ME” in the grocery store when people walk right in front of me without even making eye contact while I’m looking at or for something intently on the shelf. They can’t tell what I mean by it so it freaks them out a tad, which is my goal. But I love the hand on hip and finger waving visual. Awesome.

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  17. javaj240 says:

    I was telling this story to a co-worker today. He looked at me quizzically and said, “Who are you kidding? You NEVER had a filter!” I assured him that at one time I did. He had no snappy retort regarding why I chose to respond as Oda Mae. No. He didn’t!

    I suppose getting old has SOME perks! Look out, world!

    Like

  18. peachyteachy says:

    I love you, you freak. I want to go invisible grocery shopping together. Also, nice Civil War gag.

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  19. Cathy says:

    I think it’s the true you coming out, Jackie! Just kidding.

    You had me laughing so hard I had to go back and re-read a few sentences. Menopause and being Jerseyan certainly kick in some strange features we never had before. Perhaps we’re just being more true to our authentic selves? Whatever the reason, great post!

    Like

    • javaj240 says:

      I was telling this story to a co-worker today. He looked at me quizzically and said, “Who are you kidding? You NEVER had a filter!” I assured him that at one time I did. He had no snappy retort regarding why I chose to respond as Oda Mae. No. He didn’t!

      I suppose getting old has SOME perks! Look out, world!

      Like

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