My fuschia bathroom OR How I finally sent “Fang” over the edge!


My "fuschia" bathroom!

My “fuschia” bathroom!

It was bound to happen sooner or later. And, NO, I did not spend the night in jail. Of course, the day is young yet, so that possibility still exists. And, I’m going to Ikea with Fang later, so that may raise the odds on the prison thing. I may just have to grab whatever is handy — perhaps I’ll get lucky and there’ll be a Hemnes shelf within reach — and knock him over the head if his behavior at Ikea begins to devolve into anything like what I had to be party to at The Home Depot the other night.

What my mother-in-law always feared and, I suppose, has always been inevitable is that I have finally sent Fang over the edge. It happened at The Home Depot. There I was, innocently trying to match a paint to my toenail polish color, when I heard my normally quiet husband shriek (I swear, he actually shrieked), “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO PAINT THE BATHROOM TO MATCH YOUR TOES?” I just kind of shrugged and said, “Sure. Why not?” We all draw our inspiration from somewhere. I had drawn mine from those good people at Essie.

Here’s how it all began. One day last week, while relaxing in the “reading room” (that’s code for “John” around here), I realized how dissatisfied I was with the current wall color in the bathroom. I also noticed that I needed a new shower curtain — mostly because the ever-prepared Fangette has been using the one that was hanging there — the once crisply white one — to dry her hands with. Why get a hand towel when the shower curtain is always handy? Kids!

Even a good dousing in bleach couldn’t save the shower curtain. A quick trip to Marshall’s netted me a new gray, ruffled curtain. Of course, when I got home and put it up, I noticed how much I hated the wall color. It’s hard to describe, really. I think it was, at one time, trying to be pink, but it was closer to tan. Yeah. It was tannish-pink. It was also fugly.

Each time I visited the “reading room” I began to imagine a new wall color. I decided that I had to keep it in the pink family — because the bathtub is also trying to be pink. It is also not really pink, but it has a pink undertone to it. It’s another difficult to describe color. I think whoever painted the bathroom tried to match the wall color to the bathtub color. It was an unsuccessful attempt, but I do have to admire the effort.

As luck would have it, I had a pedicure appointment in the midst of my paint color dilemma. I suppose I had pink on my mind — because I have never had pink toenails in my life — and yet, there I was, gravitating toward the pinks. The pedicurist, in an effort to speed me along — time is money, after all — suggested that I try the new shade of fuschia that she had on her tray. She told me that it had just come in, that it was a new color from Essie. Okay. Whatever.

The minute she began applying it I knew I had found my new bathroom wall color. I came home and put my feet up against the shower curtain just to make sure that I wasn’t mistaken — even though I knew I wasn’t. My toenail to the shower curtain experiment yielded the expected results. Fuschia it would be!

In hindsight, what I should have done was this: I should have bought a bottle of the color and thrown it in my bag. I then could have taken it out, in a surreptitious fashion, at The Home Depot and matched it that way — and Fang never would have known where I got the idea for the color. But, I didn’t — mainly because I am cheap. Why waste $6 on a whole bottle of nail polish when I already had the color on my body?  Furthermore, I never would have expected him to have a mini nervous breakdown in the paint department as a result of my methodology. I know better now.

I was still kind of reeling from his shrieking when I noticed that he was also stomping, as in stomping away from me. I was like, “Wait a minute, buster! What’s going on? I need to get this paint.” When he turned around he was wearing a look that can best be described as incredulous. It was like he thought that I was going to abandon my painting plans in the face of a little shrieking and stomping. The thought crossed my mind that he really doesn’t know me at all, but was quickly replaced by my own incredulousness, as I noticed his arms flailing and realized that he was having what is commonly referred to as a “conniption fit” right in front of the paint chips.

Fang is a normally reserved and quiet guy. That’s not to say that I’ve never seen him have a conniption during our time together, mostly they are connected to the fact that I pay top dollar for bread and only eat two slices before it grows moldy — but these meltdowns usually occur in private — in the kitchen, where I keep the bread — he almost never carries on in public about anything.

The funny thing was that even though they had clearly witnessed my husband having a public display of lunacy, the paint desk workers didn’t bat an eyelash. They had no response whatsoever to the madman who was, not five feet away from them, shrieking, stomping, and flailing. They seemed to be taking a “business as usual” approach to my husband’s hysterics. And so of course, while I was having my fuschia paint mixed — did you think I wouldn’t get it? — I had to ask the guy whether this type of thing happens all the time down at The Home Depot. He just looked at me, laughed a little, and said, “What? People arguing over paint colors? Happens all the time. You two were light stuff. I’ve seen folks come to blows!”

People coming to blows over paint? I’m definitely in the wrong line of work.

27 thoughts on “My fuschia bathroom OR How I finally sent “Fang” over the edge!

  1. […] Related posts: On gum On the last time Fang “lost it”! […]

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  2. mindy trotta says:

    Love the curtain!! Reminds me of a shirt (in hot pink–kind of like the wall color)that Ann-Marget wore in Bye, Bye, Birdie…my favorite movie!!

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  3. mysocalledmidlife.net says:

    Plain old white is so boring. A red bathroom says a LOT about a person. And it’s all good.

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  4. Kyle says:

    I love it! Bright and Bold – you and your bathroom.

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  5. Great story. I bet they see all kinds of crazy paint rage moments. Probably how the “oops” paint bins came to be(where I buy paint for my paintings). I bet each can has a story. 🙂

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  6. Vanessa says:

    BEST OF LIFE. Do you know that when Marc and I first moved in together he painted our bathroom fuchsia for me? I knew it was love!

    But seriously though, that is one hot bathroom. And the ruffled curtain? YES.

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  7. shalilah2002 says:

    I think I’ll stick with the off white. I’m afraid my husband might get the idea to paint the bathroom red or fuschia.

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  8. Fuschia and gray, love that combo. If I had to do my bathroom over I would go for something bold, too. Why not?

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    • javaj240 says:

      It looks great. Honestly. Be bold, Helene, be bold! (Wasn’t that the advice we received at that foolish BEA workshop”?) LOL!

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  9. We all take our inspiration from somewhere. Toes seem perfectly rational to me. 🙂

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  10. jo heroux says:

    Men! You are so right! Inspiration can come from anywhere. I once painted our bedroom a bright yet calming blue/aqua…which I took pain selecting. My inspiration? A baby outfit on the isle at KMart. In conclusion, it made a much nicer and calmer baby outfit than bedroom walls. But, so.

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  11. Maria says:

    I’m crying…..I think I would have paid to see the conniption fit. So out of character for him!!!

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    • javaj240 says:

      OMG… his daughter thinks he is having a mid-life crisis. I said, “Well if he lives to be a 104, he’ll be all yours, sister!”

      Seriously ridiculous is what it was. But, really, the clerks barely looked up at us — too funny!

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  12. Ginger Kay says:

    This makes total sense to me. I painted a powder room a perfect red once, and all my girlfriends admired it. Men would say, “You have a red bathroom,” as if I might not know it. Pink-beige is so hard to match; I’m glad you found the right fuchsia.

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    • javaj240 says:

      Right fuschia or wrong fuschia, it’s on and it’s staying. I love it.

      That’s hysterical that men told you that you had a red bathroom, as if it were accidental. LMAO!

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  13. I see nothing at all wrong with matching a bathroom to your toes.

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    • javaj240 says:

      That’s why we get along so well, Carol. And come on, it’s not like I matched it to my lipstick or something crazy like THAT!

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