I had an opportunity the other night to “absorb” a television program entitled “Unearthing America”. I couldn’t sleep and Fang had it on. It turned out to be a happy accident for the both of us, in that it’s always nice to have a few laughs that aren’t at Fang’s expense just before falling asleep.
I must have caught the first episode somewhere in the middle, so I wasn’t in possession of all the relevant facts, but it seemed that the “expert” who runs the show, a guy whose name I can’t remember, but who identifies himself as an “paleoarchaeologist”, (aren’t they all?) had been called into a small town in Texas named, oddly enough, Rock Wall. This interesting name owing, of course, to the fact that there was a good-sized rock wall located within town limits.
The locals who alerted our intrepid paleoarchaeologist to this oddity did so because they were interested to know whether this was a naturally- occurring phenomena or whether it had been built by humans. It seems that it works that way, you find yourself living in a place with a great, big rock wall and you call this guy up. If it piques his interest — and, really, what rock wall wouldn’t? — he runs right over and does some investigating and no small amount of “testing”.
I had missed the theories regarding who (or what) may have put the rock wall in Rock Wall, Texas. It wouldn’t have surprised me to learn that some folks were floating the idea that it had been constructed by aliens — usually someone attaches themselves to that kind of nonsense. I was also a little confused by the manner of “testing” that was being done — he kept saying things like “these tests are more definitive than carbon-14 dating”. Okay. I’ll bet he’s got some kind of economic interest in this method of rock dating.
Imagine my surprise then when, just before the host revealed that exhaustive testing had conclusively proven that the rock wall was, after all, just your run-of-the-mill geologic artifact, he teased viewers by asking, “So, what will it be? Is the rock wall a naturally-occurring geologic formation or was it built, as some locals have suggested, by giants?”
I was wholly unprepared for that level of insanity! Giants? Wow! I’ve grown accustomed to the idea that some folks ascribe everything that cannot easily be explained to the existence of aliens, but giants? That’s a new one. And a downright funny one.
Perhaps it was owing to the lateness of the hour, but this struck me as hysterical. Prior to the revelation that this thing was not, in fact, built by anyone, I was prepared for one of the fine citizens of Rock Wall to suggest that it had been put there by aliens or, even, the Boy Scouts but, giants? It was simply too much for my tired mind to bear.
Whose mind jumps in any logical way to, of all things, giants? Historically, our humanoid ancestors were, in fact, smaller than we are today. Wouldn’t it make sense that if they could create a wall of rocks — though, Lord only knows why they would want to — that they would have had the wherewithal to fashion something as rudimentary as a ladder?
These television programs kill me. They really do.
The next episode was about underwater pyramids in some lake in Minnesota. Sadly, I couldn’t stay awake to watch it. They were promoting this pile of rocks as possibly having been put there by Aztecs. (They, like the Egyptians, were fond of pyramids.) I have no idea, outside of the Aztecs hauling ass all the way to Minnesota, who (or what) they may have been proposing had put these “pyramids” in the lake, but my money’s on mermaids or, perhaps, Charlie the Tuna.
Because I believe that they will put anything on television these days and because I could use a more interesting gig than I currently have, I’m just going to put this out there — I’m very good at identifying things found in the back of the fridge, substances that, at one time or another, may have enjoyed life as food. I think that Fang could be relied upon to operate basic camera equipment. I’m thinking that if I caught the right glue-addicted network executive at precisely the right moment, I could sell the idea of us invading homes nationwide and sniffing out whatever mysterious, possibly gelatinous, remnants of last month’s dinner may be lurking in folks’ Tupperware.
We could call it, “Unearthing the Meatloaf”. We could blame pixies for putting it there. I guarantee you someone would watch.