Just Another Day At the Office

Just another day at the officeI waited on a guy yesterday who had wandered in looking for the buffet. Perhaps he had mistaken our establishment for Denny’s. There’s not a Denny’s for miles around, but this guy seemed more than a little confused — about everything.

He was unconvinced that we didn’t have a buffet. I suppose we could have been hiding it somewhere. (We weren’t!) At some point I was considering forcing one of my coworkers to hold a steam tray filled with product — to become a human buffet — just to shut this guy up.

He was disgruntled about the fact that our honey wheat bread contains, oddly enough, honey. Apparently, he’s not a fan of honey. He asked me to bring him the plain whole wheat bread. I explained that I was not a chemist or a magician — that I could not remove the honey from already-baked bread. I got the feeling that I was beginning to get on his nerves. The feeling was mutual.

He was confounded by our lunch combinations and suggested that we go outside and read the sign advertising them together. I declined. I’d rather act as a human buffet or try to siphon honey out of bread than allow myself to be dragged outside, unprotected, with this maniac — I’m pretty sure his was the white van parked in the lot. That’s a CSI episode just waiting to happen.

He was taken aback by the bacon bits (we use the yummy real ones, not the fake, processed kind) that were sprinkled on his, also free, side of cheesy potato chips. I explained that this item was served in lieu of something like coleslaw — that he should think of it as a garnish, not as an assault on his dietary restrictions. I took a leap of faith by assuming he knew what “garnish” meant.

He could not wrap his mind around the concept of a half-sandwich. He repeatedly questioned me, upon receiving this item — an item that we had spent a very, very long time discussing the ins and the outs of — as to where the rest of his sandwich was. What I’d like to know is where the rest of his brain was. Unearthing this information seems like it could be someone’s life’s work — someone other than myself.

I’m going to assume that someone at the mental institution where he resides noted his absence at lunchtime yesterday. I hope they keep better tabs on him in the future. Because, really, I have no time for this sort of thing.

12 thoughts on “Just Another Day At the Office

  1. katehobson says:

    ah the many joys of serving people. I can certainly relate. However, I must admit, I truly admire the way you have told the story so humorously. Props.


  2. ohlidia says:

    Oh, you must have loads of patience… 🙂


  3. diannegray says:

    Haaaa! I LOVE this post. In a previous life (many moons ago) I waited on tables and also worked behind a bar – SO many stories of fools like this now come to mind! I used to think ‘imagine living with a twit like this!’ Yikes 😉


  4. javaj240 says:

    There’s a difference between asking whether something is vegetarian vs. having no idea how to behave in polite society. This guy was a real winner, let me just tell you. And, for the pleasure of waiting on him he left me a .36 tip. Yup.


  5. dltolley says:

    Oh, the stories you could tell. Oh, the story you did tell! Laughing about these experiences keeps us sane. Thank you for sharing yours! 🙂


  6. T. D. Davis says:

    You do NOT make me miss waiting tables. Hang in there!


  7. You had me almost spitting my coffee out as I read this. Hilarious! I have been known to drive people crazy with my questioning what’s in soup or sauces, because when I say is it vegetarian and then find out the soup is made with chicken stock (or the rice or a sauce) then it’s NOT really vegetarian. I’m sure I’m hated in several establishments too, but I try to make up for it with a big tip 🙂


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