FIVE TRUTHS, ONE LIE: THE ANSWER


NaBloPoMo14DayTwentyOne

 

Which of the six “facts” that I posted yesterday is, in fact, a fiction?

FIVE TRUTHS, ONE LIE

1. I have never had a massage.
2. I purchase my underwear (and socks!) in the supermarket.
3. I have read “War and Peace”.
4. I am almost never late.
5. My dream job? Music historian.
6. I do not have a tattoo.

 

 

I HAVE NEVER HAD A MASSAGE

This is TRUE! Or, semi-true. Sure, my husband has given me the occasional back rub and this guy Anthony that I work with gives THE BEST neck rub, EVER! But a “real” massage? Never. Why? Partly this is because it feels like too much of an indulgence — of time and, yes, money. Mostly, though, it’s because the idea of it just kind of rubs me the wrong way. (Get it? Get it?)

I am the type of person who chafes at having my pulse taken. I find being touched by strangers slightly off-putting. Massages are supposed to be relaxing, right? Whenever I think about getting one all I can think about is being in a towel in front of a stranger — a stranger who is going to touch me. Not relaxing at all.

My daughter loves to get massages and has suggested that we go together over Christmas break. I told her I’d think about it. There will probably be a fire drill or something while I’m wearing nothing but a towel. Barring that, I’m sure something will strike me as strange or funny about the whole experience. If I do wind up joining Fangette in the massage room, I’ll be sure to write about it.

I PURCHASE MY UNDERWEAR (AND SOCKS!) IN THE SUPERMARKET

Sad, but TRUE! I’ve amped it up recently, broadened my horizons to include a couple of specialty stores, but when the chips are down (or the drawers have seen better days), I will resort to my old ways and pick up a package (or two!) while I’m food shopping. And, really, socks are socks for crying out loud! I’m not making a special trip to a department store or, God forbid, the mall to buy socks. Not when they sell the very same ones at the grocery store!

I HAVE READ “WAR AND PEACE”

This is FALSE! A couple of you guessed this one — Congratulations! To those of you who think I am well read enough to have gotten through this one, I say, “Thank you”.

To be honest — and we’re being honest now, right? — I’ve always meant to read it. My reason for not having read it has long been that I couldn’t possibly tote that enormous book around with me. Given that I do most of my reading on my iPad now, I don’t have much of an excuse anymore, do I? Well, actually, I do. As I’ve never read The Russians, I recently decided to read “Anna Karenina”, as a warm-up of sorts to tackling “War and Peace”. I found it incredibly soap operish — overly dramatic. I thought that, perhaps, I had chosen the wrong book and so I tried “Crime and Punishment”. It was no better, even given its weightier subject matter.

I suppose I could download “War and Peace”. I could give it a shot. If the other Russians are any indication, though, I fear that I may be mightily disappointed. And, really, who needs that? For what? Just so that I can say I’ve read “War and Peace”? Who cares?

I AM ALMOST NEVER LATE

This is TRUE! I abhor lateness. I judge the habitually late very harshly. I don’t buy the excuse that they are bad managers of time. Constant tardiness is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of egotism. It’s a “red flag” — a red flag that may as well be emblazoned with the words “I’m the most important person in the universe”. Guess what? You’re not the most important person in my universe. What you are, in reality, is a self-centered boob who, if there is a higher power at work, will die alone wondering where the hell everyone is. That they are stuck in traffic will be of little consolation to you, a person with only minutes left to live. Karma’s a real bitch, isn’t she?

MY DREAM JOB? MUSIC HISTORIAN

This is TRUE! I love history. I love music. Combine the two and BAM!, my dream job!

I don’t actually know if such a job description exists or, if it does, where a person who was qualified could be employed. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, perhaps? How cool would that be. Okay, I’d have to move to Cleveland, but for that job I would suck up living in Ohio. At least they have baseball. Following the Indians wouldn’t be that bad for a NY Mets’ fan, am I right? Plus, I understand that “Cleveland Rocks!”.

I DO NOT HAVE A TATTOO

While many of you guessed that this was the lie, it is TRUE! I’m not opposed to tattoos. I have even toyed with the idea of getting one over the years, but I never have. I think that I have remained untatted because I have never been able to decided on what tattoo I would like to have permanently emblazoned upon my skin. Forever is a long time. And I change my mind about stuff all the time. I’m never ready to order when the server arrives. If I like a sweater (and it’s a bargain) I am the person that buys it in two or three colors and this is only partly because I am lazy, mostly it is because I can’t decide which color I like best. Of the two I always wind up only wearing one of them. Do I even need to tell you that it is always the one I was not initially going to purchase. Yeah.

Not only am I a slow decision maker, I’m a poor decision maker.  Having something indelibly inked onto your body really should be reserved for folks who are 100% certain that they will be as happy thirty years down the line as they were the day they opted for an image of Kermit the Frog smoking a blunt. I am sure those people exist. I am not one of those people. It does my heart good that many of you think that I am, though. Yeah.

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “FIVE TRUTHS, ONE LIE: THE ANSWER

  1. peachyteachy says:

    I KNEW you had not had a massage! But I figured you had read the book. Which brings me to a mostly unrelated question. What David Rakoff book do you recommend? Christmas shopping and all.

    Like

  2. I always think of you as well-read, Jackie. Very well-read.

    And, by the way, I don’t think I’ll introduce you to my mother! One of her favorite books is War and Peace and she’s read it many times. PLUS part of the NJ Speaker Series I’m covering is going to include (in March) David McCullough. I got an extra ticket to bring my mom with us. She LOVES HIM and told me she wants to kiss him when we get our picture taken with her. I better slip her a mickie or she’ll embarrass me! Ha! Her 83 year old version of a rock star!

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      He is a rock star… he just doesn’t make my kind of music. As a history person, I’m always delighted when writers like McCullough succeed. And, I always WANT to like his books, I just find them sooooo boring. And, it annoys me that I don’t enjoy them, like I’m participating in the perpetuation of the myth that history is boring. It isn’t. There are some great books out there, for me, though, his are not among them.

      I’m sure your mother will have a great time. I’ve heard him interviewed and have often thought, “Yeah. This is how he should write.” He’ll be a good speaker, I should think.

      And, who knows? Maybe I will LOVE “War and Peace”. Stranger things have happened 🙂

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  3. Oh God. Finally — someone else who thinks Anna Karenina is overrated. I spent the entire book mumbling, “For God’s sake woman. Pull yourself together.” (Ditto Madame Bovary.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. War and Peace is a tough one to get through. I have bought socks and underwear in the supermarket too. It is usually a matter of saving time:)

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  5. I had you well nailed for the fiction about War and Peace. I’ve had a go at this, and gave up. Why? It’s intolerably dull. I also have an inbuilt aversion to any work that requires a three page dramatis personae. That’s before the action doesn’t start.
    But yes, that fabrication didn’t fool me for a moment.
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      I read David McCullough’s “John Adams”…. nothing duller than that! (And, by the way, I find John Adams fascinating… it’s the authors treatment of the subject matter that bores me — and, yet, he consistently wins awards and sells millions of books — go figure!)

      I may give Tolstoy another go. 🙂

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  6. CaptCruncher says:

    That one did not even make my list Jackie!!! You must be much deeper than you think!

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  7. elinwaldal says:

    As a matter of fact I do imagine you as being well read! And the fact that you haven’t tackled War and Peace does not mean you aren’t. I am cringing that sweet Lois is going to read your bit about people who are late. She may even utter the words, “I know a Boob…” while reading… Once I managed to be 30 minutes late because I got the time wrong, I felt awful. The next time we met I was 20 minutes early 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      Is Lois often tardy? I had no idea. I’ll make her a flag 🙂 for the record, I am married to a man, very happily, who is never on time for anything. I promise him all the time that I will NOT be on time for his funeral — I probably will be though.

      Like

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