I’d Like to “Go” with My Jetpack On!

THIS JUST IN! Rob Lowe has a jetpack! I have only this to say: It’s about fucking time! And I don’t just mean that it’s good to see Rob Lowe finally getting his day in the sun. (I think he’s had a few of those!) No. I mean that it’s high time we got jetpacks. We were promised jetpacks a long time ago.

Sure, The Jetsons was set in the middle of the 21st Century, but I’m probably not going to make it to 2062. I’m happy to see that we’re ahead of the technology curve where jetpacks are concerned. And, really, they seem simple enough, don’t they? I’d like to think that they’re powered by steam or some other innocuous fluid. Really, I think that jetpacks should have pre-dated the internet, don’t you? Building an information superhighway must have been far more difficult than harnessing the power of steam, for crying out loud! In fact, steam power is not exactly innovative — James Watt changed the course of history when he invented an engine powered by steam in 1769; Robert Fulton took the first steamship, The Clermont, up the Hudson River in 1807; and The Tom Thumb, the first steam locomotive, was tested in 1830 — trains powered by steam — “iron horses” — were in general use by the 1850’s!

So, it’s about time that someone (I’m sure it wasn’t Rob Lowe!) got on the stick and figured out the whole jetpack thing. Mr. Lowe does, however, cut a fine figure. He’d be an excellent choice as “the face of the jetpack”, if there are any plans or need for such a thing. I don’t know what, if anything, Mr. Lowe had to say on the subject of jetpack travel, but he sure looks enthusiastic, doesn’t he? Personally, I’m of the opinion that Mr. Lowe need never speak at all, but that’s a topic for another day.

Before you get all excited and start combing The Yellow Pages for your local jetpack retailer, know this: the estimated retail value of the jetpack Mr. Lowe is so beautifully sporting is somewhere in the neighborhood of $70,000. At first glance that might strike the average consumer as steep. Not me. Not when you consider that a new Mercedes CLS550 will set you back about the same amount of cabbage. Sure, the Mercedes is nice — it’s no jetpack, though. That’s for sure. Certainly Rob Lowe would look fetching behind the wheel of a new Mercedes, but who are we kidding? Men would go back to the Model-A if they thought puttering along in that baby would make them as attractive as Rob Lowe.

You’ve got to put these things in perspective, kids! If I had 70 Grand to slap down on a mode of transportation and my choices were jetpack, or blah, or blah, or, finally, blah — I’d opt for the jetpack. After you’re given jetpack as an option, would you even hear the other choices? I daresay the same thing would happen if you were asked who you’d like to “hook up” with next Saturday night, “Rob Lowe, or blah, or blah, or blah…” I wouldn’t hear anything beyond jetpack or Rob Lowe. And neither would you.

The money’s a factor, though. No doubt about that. I’ve given the matter some serious thought. It occurred to me that, perhaps, my kid doesn’t really have to go to college. If she doesn’t go, I could use that money for the purchase of a jetpack. In the long run, owning such a thing might even make one more marketable than a college education. Kids go to college in order to get jobs, don’t they? Wouldn’t being part of the first family with a jetpack be enough for any potential employer to hire my daughter? She could jetpack to work. Imagine the media attention she’d bring to the widget factory.

I wonder how much more I’d need to plunk down for a customized jet pack? Because I’m sure $70,000 would just cover the basic model. I’d like something in a nice toile, possibly equipped with a cute wicker basket. (I’d need somewhere to keep my purse!)

What kind of woman would I be if I didn’t at least mention jetpack attire? The helmet piqued my curiosity. I’m hoping it’s just a bike helmet. We have plenty of those gathering dust in the bottom of the closet. I hate helmets. It’s been my experience that “helmet head” is even worse than “hat head”, but I suppose there’s nothing to be done about it. Helmets are probably essential safety equipment for jetpack travel. I’ll have to dig around the bottom of the closet — I swear there’s a cute “ponytail” helmet buried there somewhere. It’ll have to do.

I am a tad more concerned about the pants, though. Are spandex cycling pants with knee pads really necessary? Or were they just a fashion choice Rob made to show off his muscular legs? I understand that aerodynamics may be a consideration when choosing an outfit for the jetpack. I don’t think evening gowns or billowing palazzo pants would be good choices. But, what about a nice pair of Lulu Lemon yoga pants? I could tuck the bottoms into my socks. I think I would throw caution to the wind and just go ahead and don the yoga pants. Too much spandex on a woman of my age might just send the wrong message. (I’m no Rob Lowe!)

Obviously the need for a life preserver of some sort would, conceivably, be a good idea — if one were planning on jetpacking over a large body of water. There’s nothing of the sort between my house and the mall. There’s a small stream and a duck pond, but I couldn’t imagine drowning in either of those. Neither has water higher than my waist. I think I’d take my chances and abandon the life preserver. I’d rather wear something that shows off my cleavage, a nice V-neck, perhaps. In the event that I did wind up crashing into and drowning in either the stream or the duck pond — Oh, well! At least I will have perished — like a modern-day cowgirl — with my jetpack on!

photo credit:
jerodharris/wire image