Am I Wearing A ‘Kick Me’ Sign?


amiwearingakickme1000


 

Lately I find myself grabbing at the back of my shirt, in search of the “Kick Me!” sign that I am oh, so certain I am going to find there. What other reason could there be for people to feel that it is perfectly reasonable to do just that. Kick me, that is.

I spend far too much time while I am at work wrestling to get my emotions under control. Not bursting into tears, not coming apart at the seams, and not flying off the handle is, in fact, hard work. If you think it isn’t, try it.

I come in from work most afternoons looking like I have been in an actual wrestling match. My hair is all over the place. My feet and hips are aching. My hands are numb. My make-up looks like it was applied by someone who either uses or is in dire need of a seeing eye dog. In short, I look like I feel, which is like I have been kicked around some.

Sometimes I cry on the way home. Sometimes I am on the bus when I burst into tears. Sometimes a kind stranger offers the crazy, crying lady a tissue. Sometimes this restores my faith in humanity.

I dry my eyes. I vow to soldier on. To buck up. To stop acting like a child. To, at the very least, stop crying on the bus.

So what if I work two dead-end jobs? Who cares. At least I have two jobs. At least I can pay my kid’s tuition.

So what if my husband won’t pick me up from my second job and I have to take the bus in the pouring rain. At least there is a bus. At least there is someone on the bus who has the sense to carry tissues. As I signal a “thank you” with my crumpled Kleenex, I tell myself to stop being an ungrateful bitch.

And I try. To be grateful. I really do.

And then something happens that causes me to become unglued. Again.

Tonight it was my kid texting me to stop tagging her “constantly” in Facebook posts; to stop responding to the things she posts. Clearly I don’t understand social media. I thought that was what we were supposed to do. Engage.

Imagine my surprise then when my response of “LOL” to her posting of an article from “The Onion” — a publication near and dear to the both of us — caused her to text me (TEXT ME!) that I needed to “stop tagging her in all sorts of posts and to stop responding to her posts”.

For the record, I tagged her in three posts in five days, one of which was a status update that referred to how I was counting down the days until I would see her again. She responded with hearts. The other two were to draw her attention to things that I thought she would find humorous; I found them humorous. We do, in fact, tend to find the same things funny.

Finals are on the horizon. I know that she has been studying a lot. I was just trying to give her a chuckle or two. It was my way of letting her know that I was on her side, that I was thinking about her. Obviously, in addition to being an ungrateful bitch, I am also an insensitive asshat.

Just before I burst into tears I did manage to dash off a very mature text. It simply said, “Wow”. To her credit, she responded. “Im sry”. Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

I know she is sorry. She probably even thinks that saying it negates the hurtful thing that prompted the apology. It doesn’t.

I’ll get over it. I’ll soldier on. I’ll buck up. I’ll stop acting like a child  (although it would be helpful if people stopped treating me like one).  I’ll even try to stay on top of how much I engage with my daughter on Facebook.

And, once I stop crying,  I’m sure I’ll be able to forgive her. I’m sure I will.


(I know what you’re thinking. I ought to share this on Facebook and “tag” her, but I won’t.)

To be fair, my husband usually does pick me up from work… there was this one night, though… LOL!

 

 

 

 

20 thoughts on “Am I Wearing A ‘Kick Me’ Sign?

  1. javaj240, summat’s up with your link in WordPress Comments. I had to type your address into my search address box to get here to tell you this. 😦

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    • javaj240 says:

      Well, I use wordpress.com, the free one, and I haven’t changed any of my settings… so, I have no idea how to fix that, LOL… I did have a problem with my work not saving here and there, so maybe something is up on their end. Thanks for telling me, though… I will see if there is someone I can contact. 😦

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  2. kimtb says:

    After having a total meltdown, which I saw coming, my daughter (who lives 500 miles away) asked me to not text her every day to ask her how she is or try to perk her up with a gif of Beyonce saying “you’ve got this girl”. Yeah, it hurt…and it’s been making me crazy. This motherhood stuff is not for the weak, that’s for sure. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      I hold out hope that once they are fully formed, possibly even have children of their own, they will understand why we left notes in their lunchboxes and sent them Beyoncé GIFs. It can be tough now, though — for us and for them. I think that last night I had the reaction that I had because it came, seemingly, out of nowhere. Just hours before when I posted the “I get to see her in 10 days” status update, she responded with hearts. Hearts! Made me feel like she missed me, too. And then, BANG!, the admonishments began. Oh, well. I’ll get over it. My kid is 300 miles away, so I totally understand your need to make sure that she is okay. I tell mine that I don’t care what she texts me, as long as she responds because texting her is my way of making sure she is okay. Ugh! You’re right, this motherhood thing is not for the weak. Thanks for reading and for taking the time to tell me your story. It’s nice to know I’m not alone out here in the big, bad world. 🙂

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  3. susan558 says:

    This is when I would have picked you up, bought you a glass of wine and said “okay, let’s have it.” Because you are not only NOT an ungrateful bitch or asshat, you forgive the ones who can be those things, and we are lucky to have you. That is all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      Thanks. I’m not perfect, either, by any means. I do try, though — not to be perfect, I gave that up years ago. Let’s just say it’s been a bad couple of weeks. And, I know that I’m lucky. I do. I am. Still, sometimes it all comes crashing in on me (and, I’m sure, lots of other people) and I find myself crying on the bus. It could always be worse. It would be a long trip for you to come and collect me, but the next time I am in MA, I am going to look you up. Seriously. I would love to meet you IRL!

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  4. awww, I don’t know why she’s getting all bent out of shape about it. Personally I find that I don’t get tagged enough on facebook…I log on and have no notifications…it’s sad really…*sigh* kids… lol

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jade says:

    hugs

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  6. awax1217 says:

    sounds like hormones are the problem. i mean it can not be you as you view the jabs of life. buy a good sense of humor. they sell them at the humordor shop in the smoking section. remember it could be worse and that should brighten up your day. remember the man who wished to get struck by a great idea and then a bolt of lightening knocked his socks off. a man with humor would say at least he had socks and they matched. smile AND THE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU. FROWN AND NOBODY GIVES A DAMN.

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      Well, yes. At least he had socks. At least I have two jobs. At least I have what I have. Sometimes, though, it just doesn’t feel like enough. Most days it does, though. Really do have to find — and remove — that “kick me” sign, though. Yup. That’s the first order of business today! LOL!

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      • awax1217 says:

        But you are one of the have and not the have nots. Having a knot is important. That knot in your throat while you cowtow to your boss. The knot of being married. The knot have it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • javaj240 says:

          All true. On balance, though, my life isn’t so bad. I am right now enjoying a delicious cup of coffee, I don’t have to work today (yippee!), The NY Mets are on at 1:00, and I have a bag of potato chips and some onion dip. My kid is likely not speaking to me right now, but that’s okay. No interruptions. LOL! (We have survived worse, she and I.)

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  7. I don’t have the faintest idea what your daughter is getting aerated about.
    As for the bursting into tears thing? When I have an occasional meltdown in my local (ie relatively small, supermarket) the staff take my basket off me and lead me to somewhere quiet where I regain some composure

    Liked by 1 person

    • javaj240 says:

      Oh, I haven’t burst into tears in the supermarket in years. Used to be kind of a regular thing. Luckily, they know me there and treated me with kindness. I won’t make any excuses for my daughter’s behavior. She will have to figure that our for herself. I still love her, though. She knows that. But, she will have to find her own way in this thing. I have always taught her that everything that we do has consequences… sometimes it is how we deal with adversity or mistakes that truly make us better people. She knows this. She’ll figure it all out. As for me, I’ll be fine. I always am. Thanks for cheering me up though, knowing that there is someone else out there who cries at the market is nice to know.

      Like

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