Things that annoyed me before 8 AM today

Things that annoyed me before 8 AM today.

The fact that I was up, on a Sunday, at 7:48 AM because I seem to have a bladder that is the size of a pea. It kills me that, like a toddler, I am going to have to start limiting my liquids after a certain time of night. Life comes full circle.

Waking up to a documentary on “Assassin Bugs”—- truly gross. No one should have that image or information before they have had their coffee. I guess that I should be grateful that it was not some predator taking down a poor wildebeest, but I’m not much of a “bright side” person.

Right on the heels of the Assassin bug incident I emerged from my bedroom only to be immediately assaulted by the smell of cat urine on the bedspread that I repeatedly told my teenage daughter NOT to leave lying in the hallway outside of her bedroom, as I knew this would happen. So, of course, she skipped off down the shore for the week and did exactly what she was asked repeatedly NOT to do (did I say this already? Sorry. I’m more than a little perturbed by it). Part of me is tempted to throw it in the middle of the floor, pile some of her clothes on it and let the little feline bastard have his way with it, but that would inevitably make more work for me. Ugh! Maybe I will just send some photos of her “chubby” and “awkward” years out to her friends— her male friends.

Watching two blonde bad plastic surgery victims, I mean commentators, discuss Serena Williams’ “crip dance” on Fox Sports this morning. I neither know nor care what kind of dance that is; nor do I care about its appropriateness.  Who am I to judge? To me, what was more alarming (and what was left out of the coverage) was her hair. OMG. She looked as if she had been just a little bit electrocuted. I guess no one mentioned that because it would have just been mean or construed as rascist, given who was doing the reporting (though I feel the whole inappropriate/appropriate discussion is happening because it is some kind of Compton dance). I am white but I have hair that would look far worse after playing tennis, so I feel like I can discuss her hair. Perhaps she should have rethought the giant headband and/or tied it back. That’s all I’m saying. I like those Williams girls. I love that they shake what their Momma gave them! And I love that they have remained connected to their roots, regardless of where their success has taken them. Maybe I will learn to do the dance. I can do it following a big tip! How funny would that be? An almost 50-year-old caucasian woman doing a gang dance. If only.

The fact that I needed a knife AND a key to “unperforate” the packaging that contained my coffee pods. No doubt my shaky, “need caffeine” hands combined with the fact that I do not own a single sharp knife complicated this process but, OMG Tully’s coffee people (if you are listening) please ACTUALLY perforate your packaging, don’t just draw on the dotted lines. You are playing with addicts. Sleepy addicts. And it’s just plain mean.

The cat alternately hissing and mewling in an attempt to get me to give him some cold cuts. This happens every weekend and it annoys me every weekend. It happens because my husband gives the idiot cat cold cuts every morning. This pisses me off on several levels, actually. One being that I pay $10/lb. for that organic turkey, the second being that I have to purchase this delicacy at Whole Foods (where I have to stand at the deli counter with other Whole Foods shoppers, which is a whole other rant), the third being that in 23 years of marriage my husband has never done anything on anything resembling a daily basis for me, but for the cat he can cut up $10/lb. organic turkey. I’m surprised he doesn’t hand feed him. So, on the weekends he can beg all he wants, I’m not giving him any cold cuts.

And the fact that I have to work tonight. I wake up every morning annoyed by that one.