Let’s Put Our Government to Work!

So, let me get this straight — the guy who claims that the US Government is all-seeing and all-knowing, has managed to disappear.

I have to admit, I was a little worried when I first heard that the Feds could access my emails, texts, etc. I already knew they could nail me, in absentia, for jaywalking, speeding, or toll evasion as a result of the “eyes in the sky” and all that. But, I have to admit, I was a little concerned about them accessing my emails.

I’m not planning a bank heist, or a coup or anything of that nature — I’m lucky I can pull off something as simple as lunch with friends. No. I was troubled because I thought, “Well, what a colossal waste of time!” While the rest of you may be highly interesting, I’m boring as hell. Not to mention lazy.

My texts consist mainly of “Where r u?” from somewhere inside the supermarket or the mall — sometimes I send that same message from inside my own house — it allows me to avoid checking the other three rooms for the person I am interesting in finding. I am so lazy that I’ve figured out how to avoid re-typing that seven character message altogether. I discovered that I can just access the last text in which I sent that message to my kid or to my husband and hit “send” again! Pretty nifty, huh?

I was thinking about contacting Homeland Security and asking them if they could do me a favor while they were conducting surveillance on my emails. They’d be doing me a real “solid” if they could just go ahead and delete the ten-thousand junk mails that I haven’t yet gotten around to trashing. What would also be helpful is if, perhaps, while trolling through my emails they could look for that “20% off any purchase” Ann Taylor coupon that I think I deleted. It would really come in handy this week, as I need some sleeveless tops.

Listen, if they’re going to spend their precious time looking over my shoulder, they may as well be useful!

Speaking of which, I have recently noticed an influx in my inbox of, let’s just call them “invitations”. A number of women have been emailing me, inviting me to look at their photographs. I’m not sure why I’ve been selected to view what I’m fairly certain is pornography, but I must admit that they are asking nicely. They have not forgotten their manners. I haven’t taken any of them up on their invitations, but I don’t know how to stop them from inundating my inbox — I’m afraid to click on them — not because I don’t appreciate the female form, but because I fear that if I do, I will trigger a worm or a virus to attack my computer. I’m thinking that the FBI or some other law enforcement agency, having much better firewalls than little old me, could figure out how to get rid of them for me. That would be super!

In the meantime, I’m going to assume that they’re hard at work trying to track down this Snowden character. They seem to have lost his signal. I was thinking that they might want to go all “old school” on this guy — I’m sure a few well-trained dogs can pick up his scent. If they do, I’m thinking that the computer guys, who will have some time on their hands, can focus on my problem. I’d really appreciate it.

photo credit: eye